Maternity Compression Hose, I Hate You: Let Me Count the Ways

1. The fact that I have to wear you at all is reason number one. I have hideous, ugly blue bulging veins all down my right leg, and part way down my left. They appeared early in this pregnancy, and when I showed my doctor at my last appointment she didn’t hesitate to write me a prescription. I have to wear you, hose, I have no choice, but I’m not supposed to need you—since a) I’m not overweight and b) I have no family history of varicose veins.
2. You, hose, are impossible—heartbreakingly impossible—to find. I went to numerous pharmacies, prescription in hand, to track you down. Not at Shoppers. Not at Rexall. Not anywhere. . . Finally, I called Women’s College and went to the Foot Care Centre, where I was told Wow this prescription is so strong, our vendor doesn’t sell maternity hose in that strength.
3. Yes, the strength of my prescription causes that reaction. Even dear husband gasped when he finally saw the prescription. “Whoa, that is strong.”
4. You don’t come in my size. At the Foot Care Centre I measured small. And, because you really need to fit my legs tightly to give me the full benefit of your compression power, the FCC woman counseled me to buy the small (in a lesser strength than I need anyway; see point 2). “I am not wearing compression hose if the crotch only comes up to my knees!” I exclaimed. “I’ll take the medium.” Alas, medium, you only come to my upper thigh.
5. I paid full price for you. Full price=$160.
6. I need extra time to get ready in the morning because of you. I’m on a tight schedule, I like to catch the 6:55 train; I don’t have an extra 5 or 10 minutes to gently, yet purposefully, pull you on with rubber gloves (That’s the recommended way. So as not to tear your firm but tender fabric).
7. After wearing you for four hours on day one, I had a hole in the heel the size of Texas.
8. It’s summer. You’re hot.
9. I can’t wear sandals because of you.
10. You don’t make my legs feel all tingly and nice.
11. My pants don’t stay up as well when I wear you. You make them slip down. Today, Geister: “Mommy, I can see your bum!”
12. I still have varicose veins.
13. I hate you.